


All I need In this life (is everything)

by pistol_red



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hip Hop RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Alternate Universe - Magic, Crack, F/M, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistol_red/pseuds/pistol_red
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kanye West contemplates the Chamber of Secrets, blowjobs, Beyoncé's ever growing power and Kim Kardashian's delivery snakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I need In this life (is everything)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is. I also don't know enough about these people to be writing fic about them so characterization is probably completely off in every way ever (and yes I'm warning for bad characterization in a fic about Kanye West at Hogwarts).

Kanye sat forlornly on the front steps of the school. He was adorned in blue, bronze and black robes with new pair of sunglasses perched high on his head as he contemplated the Chamber of Secrets, life, blowjobs and the meaning of the universe. Blowjobs were great, he decided. But then again, he already knew that. What he also already knew was that Beyoncé was definitely ignoring him. He was a Ravenclaw after all, he noticed things about the world. 

He especially noticed things such as this when Beyoncé had agreed to meet up with him in the library to play a game of Connect Four and then bailed out on him at the last minute. Beyoncé would never bail out at a chance to beat him at Connect Four unless something fishy was up. 

Maybe Beyoncé was the Heir of Slytherin, and she was busy doing her thing in the Chamber of Secrets. Kayne figured that would make more sense if she was in Slytherin, not Gryffindor, but after witnessing the sorting hat's long and difficult decision to decide where Beyoncé would go, eventually caving and saying, "The awesome is strong with this one. Almost too strong. Gryffindor."

A decision which Kayne has always personally resented. Beyoncé's awesomeness landed her in Gryffindor? It should of landed her in Ravenclaw. He is forced to make up for this error in the sorting hat's judgement by always telling Beyoncé the new ways of getting into the Ravenclaw common room. Although her response generally is to look at him pityingly and say, "I know that already, Kanye." The head girl has a scary amount of knowledge, Kanye's realized through a fog of jealousy (no one should have that much power, unless they were named Kanye) . He's pretty pleased that Beyoncé ended up being one of his allies, in the end. There was a chance back in second year after the incident with a troll, Jay-z and shrinking powder that they would end as nemesis's, but they found that they were more powerful together than apart and that that was the way their enemies would truly quake in their boots. The Power of Three (can't leave out Jay-z).

Kayne knew the answer to the conundrum of Beyoncé skipping out on a Connect Four session. He would obviously have to consult Kim immediately. Kim always knew everything about everyone. Kim was omnipresent. Kim was possibly a god. This was why she should obviously date Kayne, he reasoned. A god and a god together equaled two gods, and two gods could potentially create a utopia where everyone flew around in giant Sour Patch Kids and only communicated through song and interpretive dance. It was a good vision for the future, Kayne thought. 

Some people said the sorting hat was wrong when it put Kanye West in Ravenclaw. These people were obviously not in Ravenclaw as they were exceedingly stupid; everyone actually in Ravenclaw knew much, much better by now. Kayne was an obvious Ravenclaw, and no amount of sighing from Lupe could change that fact.

Kanye was jolted out of his deep thoughts about the universe, creation and blowjobs by a smack over the head with a rather heavy book. 

His sunglasses fell off. He looked up. It was Beyoncé. 

He would have to reevaluate his theory that she was ignoring him. 

Beyoncé did not looked pleased to see him. Kayne quickly went through his recent actions. He was pretty sure she wouldn't be mad about the owl thing. “Did you really polyjuice into me?” she said, taking a threatening stance and cracking a knuckle menacingly.

“What? No!” Kayne said honestly. He didn't know how all these rumors started. He had only ever polyjuiced into someone that one time, and he had Lupe's explicit permission to do so. Well, no he didn't, but he's Kanye West. And, in the end, Lupe got an experience inside Kayne West's body too. He should be grateful for the chance so many would kill for. Which reminded him, when he snuck into the Slytherin common room on Tuesday to talk to Kim he was pretty sure she was brewing a batch of polyjuice. While talking to a snake. Kayne probably should have focused more on the snake part before.

“ _Oh _no, I know that look,” was all Beyoncé said, sitting down on the stairs in front of him, somehow making the act of sitting down appear threatening, “I will not tolerate any more of your plans. Drop it. Drop whatever it is you're thinking about right now.”__

__"Beyoncé...." Kanye said suddenly, "Who do you think the Heir of Slytherin is?"_ _

__Beyoncé stared at him for a moment and before narrowing her eyes and saying, "It's Kim, idiot. There's a reason snakes have been coming through the school to deliver makeup supplies to the Slytherin common room every Wedensday at 9:00 pm."_ _

__Kim was the Heir of Slytherin. This was making a lot of sense in retrospect. "......you do realize that this means that she is the perfect woman in every way and we must marry at once, don't you? Don't you, Beyoncé?!"_ _

__Beyoncé looked faintly alarmed, "I...cannot believe you did not notice that....she has a t-shirt that says she's the Heir of Slytherin and everything. She even _sells_ them," was all she said. _ _

__Kanye figured having a side plot dealing with baby dragons and attempting to win a Quidditch tournament for your house had distracted him. Plus researching spells to help him beat Beyoncé at Connect Four, that all took time and effort._ _

__"You can't hold us all up to your impossible standards," was all Kanye said. He was pretty sure Beyoncé and Jay-z were given some kind of special powers when they got the head boy and girl positions. It would also explain the sudden fucking and romance between them; if they realized that they were out of everyone else's league with their new found power they would turn to each together, naturally. Everyone except Kanye's, of course._ _

__"And Kim," he added sagely, nodding his head while Beyoncé raised an eyebrow at him._ _

__It occurred to him that he hadn't actually said the bulk of what he was thinking out loud. All for the better though, he didn't want Beyoncé to know that people feared the power she held with Jay-z. Obviously Kanye didn't fear it, but, it could be....destructive. If Beyoncé, of course, started turning her powers towards Quidditch. Kanye wasn't even going there. Beyoncé was the enemy, not to be trusted when it came to Quidditch. That was most definitely _not_ part of their friendship. That traitor. _ _

__"I can tell you're thinking about how I'm the enemy and not to be trusted because I'm a better Quidditch player than you are, but do you want my help with Kim or not?"_ _

__Kanye's eyes snapped dramatically to meet hers (or at least he envisioned it was dramatic), "How did you know what I was thinking?"_ _

__Beyoncé rolled her eyes. "You're you, Kanye. And I'm trying to help you woo Kim, dumbass. You in or out?"_ _

__Kayne didn't need anyone's help wooing anybody. Kanye was also 97% sure Lupe talked Beyoncé into helping him with Kim to stop Kanye from acting out scenes from Kanye and Kim's Epic Potential Love Story with him in the common room when he was trying to study._ _

__But he would relent this one time. Beyoncé's powers could only strengthen him. Unless it was involved with Quidditch, but, once again, they were not going there. "Where and when?" Was all he said._ _

__"Chamber of Secrets. Eight o'clock. Be there and wear white pants."_ _

__Kanye gaped at Beyoncé as she turned her back and began walking away. ".....you know where the chamber is? I thought that was supposed to be a secret!....I thought we shared all our secrets! I tell you everything!"_ _

__Beyoncé turned back around, rolling her eyes and yelling, "It's where the giant snakes come slithering out from! Maybe if you looked up from your books about dragon taming once in a blue moon you'd notice!"_ _

__Kayne scowled. He was almost certain Beyoncé bringing up the moon was a slight on his inability to find a werewolf to turn him. He would though, he thought doggedly. Just you wait, Beyoncé. Just you wait._ _

__Kanye would succeed in all aspects of life. He was Kanye West after all, of course he would. He was going to make his mother proud._ _


End file.
